Just Say No

I was out walking today, and it suddenly occurred to me that I agreed to give a speech in church about my experience in Bible study in the spring in order to get other people to join. Then came the lightheadedness and sweaty palms, and then the whole "What if I trip? What if I say something that is stupid? What if... What if... What if...?" This whole thing could have been avoided if I could say one little word. That one little word almost never passes my lips. I fully intended to say "I am sorry, I can't do it", but it came out "I go to the 7:30 am mass usually, so I would best be able to do it then" What!? I learned that my friend at church got duped as well for the 9am mass, which made me feel better.

The same thing happens with work. Someone calls and asks if I can pick up an extra shift, or switch shifts, and I even practice saying no, but it always turns into a yes. I even let my voice mail answer, listen to the message and call back after planning what to say. I can't help it. I have said yes to dates I didn't want to go on, eaten food I didn't want to, bought things I didn't want to, and the list goes on and on, just because I can't say no. I bought a CD off a guy downtown Chicago because I couldn't say "No thanks!" I went out of my comfort zone when a guy that I have named "Brain tumor guy" asked for my number, and I said no. It took me about 1 1/2 days to answer that one, after much practicing (no we did not stand there that long, my cousin asked if he could have my number, and I didn't call her back for that length of time). I even participated in one of my ex-roommates weddings even though we were no longer friends because she asked.

I actually think I am a hopeless case too because I have read self help books, I am sorry to say, that really did not help. I disappointed myself recently when a patient asked me to buy makeup from her. I, not surprisingly, said yes, but really didn't want to, so being the mature adult, I avoided her calls until she stopped calling. I know, not a great way to handle the situation.

The problem with letting people know this about me is twofold. First, people will always wonder now if I really didn't want to do it, but just said yes because I can't say anything else. (Jena, this does not apply to you, I am truly honored). Secondly, I will always wonder if people asked me because I can't say no. My close friends, I think, are able to tell when I don't want to do something by the faces I make, but then again I don't know...and they will never know what I didn't want to do. That will remain a secret, and if people ask, I will just say no.