In October 2009, I ran the Milwaukee Marathon. After the marathon, we had plans to go to Wisconsin Dells, 3 of my closest friends, and one of those friend's family as well. While we drove up to Wisconsin Dells, I had to stop several times to stretch my legs. Our last stop before the destination was a winery, where we ate lunch and planned to take a tour and wine tasting. Of course, one of the most logical things to do after running a marathon is to wear high heeled boots, and take a tour of a hilly winery. If you have never run a marathon, going up stairs is fine, but going down is very, very painful, and it is very easy to fall. So, I started the tour with taking the ELEVATOR down to the basement, and explained to the group that I am not normally an invalid, but just ran a marathon the day before. Of course, then we had to go outside and walk up a hill, and at one point the tour guide stated "If anyone feels like you can't go all the way up the hill, you can stay at the bottom and I will talk so you can hear". I knew that was directed at me, and because I can run marathons, I thought, I definitely can go up this hill! Now remember, it is the DOWN that is the problem. I started to walk down the hill, and to the stairs to the gravel drive. I had let everyone go first, so that I would not slow anyone down. About the time I reached the stairs, I started to fall, and thankfully, the handle of my Louis Vuitton caught the stair railing and kept me upright, and also kept me from knocking everyone down in the group like dominoes. Louis Vuitton prides itself by saying that its skinny handles can hold 200lbs without breaking. I had thought at the time, when would I need to be able to tote 200 lbs without breaking? Louis Vuitton is absolutely correct, in that my handbag has about 20 lbs of unnecessary stuff in it plus my weight of 130 lbs, and the straps kept me from falling to a very gravelly and injury laden end. If I had used another cheaper handbag, who knows what would have happened to me and my tour group.
This had me thinking, and remember, I am in no way saying that my Louis is an idol, I am just using it as a comparison. My handbag reminded me of how Jesus is in our lives. He is the one true God, and all others do not compare. He saves us when we least expect it, and is always there for us, aware of the unnecessary baggage in our lives. If we put our stock in "cheaper" models, such as money, wealth, power, relationships, etc., we will always feel unfulfilled, incomplete. He can hold us up when we are about to fall. He takes our abuses, is still there for us when we forget about him, holds all of our troubles, is very forgiving, and loves us unconditionally. Nothing else in this world can offer us this. In essence, my expensive handbag saved my life, and also reinforced the importance of God in my life...all in a Louis.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I am sure that people think that you don't get to be close with patients when working in a retail setting such as Walgreens. I also suspect people feel they would not tell the nurse practitioner so much about themselves in a 15 or 20 minute visit.
Just today I saw a patient whose father at the age of 51 is dying of brain cancer, and she is home visiting him for the holidays, and unsure of when he will pass away. I had a mother hug me crying because we did not turn her daughter away for lack of insurance, and I gave her meds that were on the $4 list at walmart.
I had a woman tell me of her daughter that just passed from CJD, a neurological condition for which there is no cure while in for her flu shot, or another mother that told me about her 31 year old son on the heart transplant list, or another woman telling me about how hard it is to deal with raising 2 children ages 1year and 6 years after her husband had just been killed in a car accident when he was hit by a drunk driver.
This gives quick care a misnomer. Sometimes it is surely not quick, and often times it is the care that you don't even realize that you provide that the person needs.
Just today I saw a patient whose father at the age of 51 is dying of brain cancer, and she is home visiting him for the holidays, and unsure of when he will pass away. I had a mother hug me crying because we did not turn her daughter away for lack of insurance, and I gave her meds that were on the $4 list at walmart.
I had a woman tell me of her daughter that just passed from CJD, a neurological condition for which there is no cure while in for her flu shot, or another mother that told me about her 31 year old son on the heart transplant list, or another woman telling me about how hard it is to deal with raising 2 children ages 1year and 6 years after her husband had just been killed in a car accident when he was hit by a drunk driver.
This gives quick care a misnomer. Sometimes it is surely not quick, and often times it is the care that you don't even realize that you provide that the person needs.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
My Charity Failure
Over one year ago, I read a novel titled "The Christmas Jars" by Jason Wright. This novel created the urge in me to give my own Christmas Jar. I saved my change for the last year, and added dollars as well. By the end, the total was somewhere around $170. I didn't count all of the change because well I didn't feel like it. I then asked my friend if she would mind if I anonymously gave it to her brother who was having a hard time. I had thought of giving it to him since about June, and asked my friend in November.
I had planned out the delivery for weeks. I put the jar in a box that was decorated for Christmas, tied closed, and had his name on it. I put it in a box because I thought if it was in a bag, the bottom would rip, and dump the coins on his front porch. I also put his name on it so everyone in the home would know it was for him. I enclosed the book with a written letter in the front cover, but no identification of the giver anywhere. I dropped off the box to his front porch while everyone in the house hold was at a wedding. I figured I would know quickly what happened through my friend. We waited to hear something, and waited, and waited... On Christmas itself, she snooped through the house looking for signs of the box, a jar, the book, anything, and...nothing.
It has been about 3 weeks since the delivery, and my friend called me today to let me know that her mother called her, and let her know that my friend's other brother (not the recipient) found over $10 by his house in coins when he went for a walk. He had seen 2 other people pass this same spot and not see the coins. My friend's sister found over $3 of change in a similar location. This means many things. First, obviously the box was stolen from their front porch. I truly hope the person that stole the box benefits from it. Secondly, I think it is a very ironic situation that 2 other people in the SAME household found large amounts of change while walking by their home. I think it is also especially ironic that the intended recipient did not receive anything.
This makes me wonder what I am supposed to learn from this situation. Maybe it is because I did it for somewhat selfish reasons giving it to someone I know so that I would be able to hear how it helped their life that the box was stolen. Maybe that person needed such a gift even more than the intended recipient. Maybe I am supposed to realize that no matter how much I control a situation and plan for it, it really is out of my control, and in God's hands. Maybe I am supposed to do a Christmas Jar in a more anonymous manner, but I really wanted to help the intended recipient. Maybe I am not supposed to tell anyone about my acts of charity (which makes this blog pointless), and donate in such a way that no one knows. Maybe I was meant to deliver the jar in person to the recipient so that he knew someone cared.
I have already started collecting for this years' Christmas jar. I can only wonder what kind of mystery will occur with this jar.
I had planned out the delivery for weeks. I put the jar in a box that was decorated for Christmas, tied closed, and had his name on it. I put it in a box because I thought if it was in a bag, the bottom would rip, and dump the coins on his front porch. I also put his name on it so everyone in the home would know it was for him. I enclosed the book with a written letter in the front cover, but no identification of the giver anywhere. I dropped off the box to his front porch while everyone in the house hold was at a wedding. I figured I would know quickly what happened through my friend. We waited to hear something, and waited, and waited... On Christmas itself, she snooped through the house looking for signs of the box, a jar, the book, anything, and...nothing.
It has been about 3 weeks since the delivery, and my friend called me today to let me know that her mother called her, and let her know that my friend's other brother (not the recipient) found over $10 by his house in coins when he went for a walk. He had seen 2 other people pass this same spot and not see the coins. My friend's sister found over $3 of change in a similar location. This means many things. First, obviously the box was stolen from their front porch. I truly hope the person that stole the box benefits from it. Secondly, I think it is a very ironic situation that 2 other people in the SAME household found large amounts of change while walking by their home. I think it is also especially ironic that the intended recipient did not receive anything.
This makes me wonder what I am supposed to learn from this situation. Maybe it is because I did it for somewhat selfish reasons giving it to someone I know so that I would be able to hear how it helped their life that the box was stolen. Maybe that person needed such a gift even more than the intended recipient. Maybe I am supposed to realize that no matter how much I control a situation and plan for it, it really is out of my control, and in God's hands. Maybe I am supposed to do a Christmas Jar in a more anonymous manner, but I really wanted to help the intended recipient. Maybe I am not supposed to tell anyone about my acts of charity (which makes this blog pointless), and donate in such a way that no one knows. Maybe I was meant to deliver the jar in person to the recipient so that he knew someone cared.
I have already started collecting for this years' Christmas jar. I can only wonder what kind of mystery will occur with this jar.
New Years Resolutions?
Ok, so I know I haven't written in a long time, and one of my goals is to pay more attention to my blog.
As I was preparing for the New Year, I reflected on 2009, and also on the things I want to change in 2010. Thinking about all of the things I want to change has left me overwhelmed more than refreshed. I have always refrained from making large resolutions because I have always felt that one is set up to fail if they wait until a specific date to make changes. I one year had the goal to wear more eyeliner, the next year wearing blush, and then the next was to do something different that would take me out of my comfort zone each month. That one I have done for the last several years, which has been beneficial in getting me to do many things I wouldn't normally do. I am hoping if I write down some of these goals, I can reflect on them one year from now and actually have achieved some of them.
1. Continue doing something different once a month. This continues to stretch me, and allows me to step outside of my comfort zone. I have ice skated, wall climbing, mountain hiking, swimming, skiing, etc, and hope that continues.
2. I would like to lose the 10 or so lbs I found in 2009. It has been 2 days into the new year, and I am still eating candy, so this one will be a struggle.
3. I would like to run a PR in the 1/2 and full marathon this year. This all depends on me doing the training, and getting back to the weight lifting and all of my PT exercises. I have until August to get into fighting shape. No injuries this year please!
4. I am doing a Total Money Makeover thing, and am trying to spend less frivolously. We'll see how this one pans out because I love my lipstick, shoes and purses!
5. I want to be more tolerant of others. This one occurs because I felt very convicted over the Christmas season. I was in the mall shopping and was going to turn left off an escalator, and instead turned right. I ran into a patient of mine that drives me crazy. She of course wished me a Merry Christmas, told me she was graduating with her associates degree, moved, and now her daughter was no longer with a "bad crowd", and was actually going to church and volunteering now. She then said "Thank you so much for being there for us and helping us through such a hard time, I really appreciate everything you did". This was amazing for 2 reasons. First, I felt good that I could help someone just by listening, and secondly, I felt convicted because she annoyed me so much, and she was frustrating me because she needed my help. I want to be more tolerant of other patients, and see the motives behind their actions and behaviors, and not let it get to me so much.
6. I would like to do a triathalon. I started swim class in November, and that will continue. We will see what happens, it is a lot different swimming in a pool versus a lake I am sure.
7. I want to run while in Paris this year. I am going to run the city streets if I have to get up at 5am and do it way before everyone else is up!
8. I want to brush up on French for the trip to France obviously.
9. I want to finish Volume I of the Mystery of History. I have been working on this textbook for over 6 months and am still at 1100 BC. I started this in my recent feelings that there is so much that I don't know. There are at least 2 more volumes.
10. I have 4 more books of the Bible before I have read it in its entirety. I want to of course finish those, and then continue my growth in reading the Bible.
11. I want to clean out my closet, and get rid of old things, etc. I already went through my sock and underwear drawers, and hopefully can keep this up.
After writing this list, the feelings of being overwhelmed are still there and in fact have worsened. We'll see what a difference a year makes!
As I was preparing for the New Year, I reflected on 2009, and also on the things I want to change in 2010. Thinking about all of the things I want to change has left me overwhelmed more than refreshed. I have always refrained from making large resolutions because I have always felt that one is set up to fail if they wait until a specific date to make changes. I one year had the goal to wear more eyeliner, the next year wearing blush, and then the next was to do something different that would take me out of my comfort zone each month. That one I have done for the last several years, which has been beneficial in getting me to do many things I wouldn't normally do. I am hoping if I write down some of these goals, I can reflect on them one year from now and actually have achieved some of them.
1. Continue doing something different once a month. This continues to stretch me, and allows me to step outside of my comfort zone. I have ice skated, wall climbing, mountain hiking, swimming, skiing, etc, and hope that continues.
2. I would like to lose the 10 or so lbs I found in 2009. It has been 2 days into the new year, and I am still eating candy, so this one will be a struggle.
3. I would like to run a PR in the 1/2 and full marathon this year. This all depends on me doing the training, and getting back to the weight lifting and all of my PT exercises. I have until August to get into fighting shape. No injuries this year please!
4. I am doing a Total Money Makeover thing, and am trying to spend less frivolously. We'll see how this one pans out because I love my lipstick, shoes and purses!
5. I want to be more tolerant of others. This one occurs because I felt very convicted over the Christmas season. I was in the mall shopping and was going to turn left off an escalator, and instead turned right. I ran into a patient of mine that drives me crazy. She of course wished me a Merry Christmas, told me she was graduating with her associates degree, moved, and now her daughter was no longer with a "bad crowd", and was actually going to church and volunteering now. She then said "Thank you so much for being there for us and helping us through such a hard time, I really appreciate everything you did". This was amazing for 2 reasons. First, I felt good that I could help someone just by listening, and secondly, I felt convicted because she annoyed me so much, and she was frustrating me because she needed my help. I want to be more tolerant of other patients, and see the motives behind their actions and behaviors, and not let it get to me so much.
6. I would like to do a triathalon. I started swim class in November, and that will continue. We will see what happens, it is a lot different swimming in a pool versus a lake I am sure.
7. I want to run while in Paris this year. I am going to run the city streets if I have to get up at 5am and do it way before everyone else is up!
8. I want to brush up on French for the trip to France obviously.
9. I want to finish Volume I of the Mystery of History. I have been working on this textbook for over 6 months and am still at 1100 BC. I started this in my recent feelings that there is so much that I don't know. There are at least 2 more volumes.
10. I have 4 more books of the Bible before I have read it in its entirety. I want to of course finish those, and then continue my growth in reading the Bible.
11. I want to clean out my closet, and get rid of old things, etc. I already went through my sock and underwear drawers, and hopefully can keep this up.
After writing this list, the feelings of being overwhelmed are still there and in fact have worsened. We'll see what a difference a year makes!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
As I write today, I am sitting here with a heating pad on my back. I have spent the last 2 afternoons with my nephew, who turns 2 in October. For some reason, children find me entertaining, and they think I am one of them, or at least it seems that way. My nephew's favorite game to play with Aunt Dinda is to run at her full speed with his arms folded and slam into her, causing her to fall to the ground. This is endless loads of fun, hence the heating pad. I just hope he grows out of this before he reaches the age of 12 or so. Then, he got the idea of taking his play lawn mower and trying to run me over. He also has learned how to throw buckets of water at his Aunt Dinda. I wouldn't change that for the world.
This also brings back memories of my friends children, who when I stayed over, loved to wake me up with balls being thrown at my head at 7 am, and then make me play board games until the rest of the house wakes up. That has changed to the 7 year old going "Come on Splenda, trust me and fall back, I promise to catch you!" Now really, not that I don't trust the kid, but he is 7. Of course, he does have the ability to hold me down because I am weak armed apparently. Both of my friends boys have forced me to watch Transformers, not the movie, but the cartoon. I have played endless hours of arcade games (which they know I secretly love), and the older child who is 12, tried to teach me how to ride a skateboard. Needless to say, I am better at carrying the skateboard than riding it.
I guess this means that I have many years ahead of me to keep the heating pad on my back, and hope that someone has a girl that will like to play princess or tea party before my joints give out.
This also brings back memories of my friends children, who when I stayed over, loved to wake me up with balls being thrown at my head at 7 am, and then make me play board games until the rest of the house wakes up. That has changed to the 7 year old going "Come on Splenda, trust me and fall back, I promise to catch you!" Now really, not that I don't trust the kid, but he is 7. Of course, he does have the ability to hold me down because I am weak armed apparently. Both of my friends boys have forced me to watch Transformers, not the movie, but the cartoon. I have played endless hours of arcade games (which they know I secretly love), and the older child who is 12, tried to teach me how to ride a skateboard. Needless to say, I am better at carrying the skateboard than riding it.
I guess this means that I have many years ahead of me to keep the heating pad on my back, and hope that someone has a girl that will like to play princess or tea party before my joints give out.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Yesterday in church the priest said something that I cannot get out of my head. He said to love God like you love yourself. The first thing that came to mind is , "I don't want to love God like I love myself, that isn't fair to anybody". I would rather love God like I love my nephew and my friends' children. I love them unconditionally. I never think that they are stupid. I never think that they are not talented. I never think they are ugly. I never think they are fat. I never think that they don't dress well enough. I never think they don't make an impact in the world because they have all made an impact in mine. These children are precious in my sight and in Gods. They are smart, funny, beautiful people that for some reason think I am also "fun and nice".
It made me think why do I hold myself at a higher "standard" if you will than I would other people or even my relationship with God. I can't blame everything on relationships that I have had where I have been called stupid and ugly. I can't blame my parents, who in their wisdom have said to me when I have been sad or overwhelmed "Life could be worse, you could be fat or ugly". I can't blame everything on the media, magazines, TV and movies that glamorize a certain type of woman.
What I can do is try to change my thoughts, and try to see how God would see me, which would still be very flawed, but to try and realize that He loves me unconditionally like I love my "kids". Also if I can realize that the standards that I hold myself to are unfair, then I can try to change those standards. Though really some people are not made to wear skinny jeans, no matter what. I can try not to think of myself in negative terms, and think more of my positive aspects, though, trying to change patterns that have been learned over many years is very difficult, and I am sure I will slip up (I know, positive thinking). It is amazing to me that one comment in a sermon can make someone reevaluate their way of thinking, and how you can be your own worst enemy. I will have to be held accountable for my criticisms of myself, knowing I wouldn't think those of my best friends, so I should not think those things of myself.
It made me think why do I hold myself at a higher "standard" if you will than I would other people or even my relationship with God. I can't blame everything on relationships that I have had where I have been called stupid and ugly. I can't blame my parents, who in their wisdom have said to me when I have been sad or overwhelmed "Life could be worse, you could be fat or ugly". I can't blame everything on the media, magazines, TV and movies that glamorize a certain type of woman.
What I can do is try to change my thoughts, and try to see how God would see me, which would still be very flawed, but to try and realize that He loves me unconditionally like I love my "kids". Also if I can realize that the standards that I hold myself to are unfair, then I can try to change those standards. Though really some people are not made to wear skinny jeans, no matter what. I can try not to think of myself in negative terms, and think more of my positive aspects, though, trying to change patterns that have been learned over many years is very difficult, and I am sure I will slip up (I know, positive thinking). It is amazing to me that one comment in a sermon can make someone reevaluate their way of thinking, and how you can be your own worst enemy. I will have to be held accountable for my criticisms of myself, knowing I wouldn't think those of my best friends, so I should not think those things of myself.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Just Say No
I was out walking today, and it suddenly occurred to me that I agreed to give a speech in church about my experience in Bible study in the spring in order to get other people to join. Then came the lightheadedness and sweaty palms, and then the whole "What if I trip? What if I say something that is stupid? What if... What if... What if...?" This whole thing could have been avoided if I could say one little word. That one little word almost never passes my lips. I fully intended to say "I am sorry, I can't do it", but it came out "I go to the 7:30 am mass usually, so I would best be able to do it then" What!? I learned that my friend at church got duped as well for the 9am mass, which made me feel better.
The same thing happens with work. Someone calls and asks if I can pick up an extra shift, or switch shifts, and I even practice saying no, but it always turns into a yes. I even let my voice mail answer, listen to the message and call back after planning what to say. I can't help it. I have said yes to dates I didn't want to go on, eaten food I didn't want to, bought things I didn't want to, and the list goes on and on, just because I can't say no. I bought a CD off a guy downtown Chicago because I couldn't say "No thanks!" I went out of my comfort zone when a guy that I have named "Brain tumor guy" asked for my number, and I said no. It took me about 1 1/2 days to answer that one, after much practicing (no we did not stand there that long, my cousin asked if he could have my number, and I didn't call her back for that length of time). I even participated in one of my ex-roommates weddings even though we were no longer friends because she asked.
I actually think I am a hopeless case too because I have read self help books, I am sorry to say, that really did not help. I disappointed myself recently when a patient asked me to buy makeup from her. I, not surprisingly, said yes, but really didn't want to, so being the mature adult, I avoided her calls until she stopped calling. I know, not a great way to handle the situation.
The problem with letting people know this about me is twofold. First, people will always wonder now if I really didn't want to do it, but just said yes because I can't say anything else. (Jena, this does not apply to you, I am truly honored). Secondly, I will always wonder if people asked me because I can't say no. My close friends, I think, are able to tell when I don't want to do something by the faces I make, but then again I don't know...and they will never know what I didn't want to do. That will remain a secret, and if people ask, I will just say no.
The same thing happens with work. Someone calls and asks if I can pick up an extra shift, or switch shifts, and I even practice saying no, but it always turns into a yes. I even let my voice mail answer, listen to the message and call back after planning what to say. I can't help it. I have said yes to dates I didn't want to go on, eaten food I didn't want to, bought things I didn't want to, and the list goes on and on, just because I can't say no. I bought a CD off a guy downtown Chicago because I couldn't say "No thanks!" I went out of my comfort zone when a guy that I have named "Brain tumor guy" asked for my number, and I said no. It took me about 1 1/2 days to answer that one, after much practicing (no we did not stand there that long, my cousin asked if he could have my number, and I didn't call her back for that length of time). I even participated in one of my ex-roommates weddings even though we were no longer friends because she asked.
I actually think I am a hopeless case too because I have read self help books, I am sorry to say, that really did not help. I disappointed myself recently when a patient asked me to buy makeup from her. I, not surprisingly, said yes, but really didn't want to, so being the mature adult, I avoided her calls until she stopped calling. I know, not a great way to handle the situation.
The problem with letting people know this about me is twofold. First, people will always wonder now if I really didn't want to do it, but just said yes because I can't say anything else. (Jena, this does not apply to you, I am truly honored). Secondly, I will always wonder if people asked me because I can't say no. My close friends, I think, are able to tell when I don't want to do something by the faces I make, but then again I don't know...and they will never know what I didn't want to do. That will remain a secret, and if people ask, I will just say no.
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