As I write today, I am sitting here with a heating pad on my back. I have spent the last 2 afternoons with my nephew, who turns 2 in October. For some reason, children find me entertaining, and they think I am one of them, or at least it seems that way. My nephew's favorite game to play with Aunt Dinda is to run at her full speed with his arms folded and slam into her, causing her to fall to the ground. This is endless loads of fun, hence the heating pad. I just hope he grows out of this before he reaches the age of 12 or so. Then, he got the idea of taking his play lawn mower and trying to run me over. He also has learned how to throw buckets of water at his Aunt Dinda. I wouldn't change that for the world.

This also brings back memories of my friends children, who when I stayed over, loved to wake me up with balls being thrown at my head at 7 am, and then make me play board games until the rest of the house wakes up. That has changed to the 7 year old going "Come on Splenda, trust me and fall back, I promise to catch you!" Now really, not that I don't trust the kid, but he is 7. Of course, he does have the ability to hold me down because I am weak armed apparently. Both of my friends boys have forced me to watch Transformers, not the movie, but the cartoon. I have played endless hours of arcade games (which they know I secretly love), and the older child who is 12, tried to teach me how to ride a skateboard. Needless to say, I am better at carrying the skateboard than riding it.

I guess this means that I have many years ahead of me to keep the heating pad on my back, and hope that someone has a girl that will like to play princess or tea party before my joints give out.

Yesterday in church the priest said something that I cannot get out of my head. He said to love God like you love yourself. The first thing that came to mind is , "I don't want to love God like I love myself, that isn't fair to anybody". I would rather love God like I love my nephew and my friends' children. I love them unconditionally. I never think that they are stupid. I never think that they are not talented. I never think they are ugly. I never think they are fat. I never think that they don't dress well enough. I never think they don't make an impact in the world because they have all made an impact in mine. These children are precious in my sight and in Gods. They are smart, funny, beautiful people that for some reason think I am also "fun and nice".

It made me think why do I hold myself at a higher "standard" if you will than I would other people or even my relationship with God. I can't blame everything on relationships that I have had where I have been called stupid and ugly. I can't blame my parents, who in their wisdom have said to me when I have been sad or overwhelmed "Life could be worse, you could be fat or ugly". I can't blame everything on the media, magazines, TV and movies that glamorize a certain type of woman.

What I can do is try to change my thoughts, and try to see how God would see me, which would still be very flawed, but to try and realize that He loves me unconditionally like I love my "kids". Also if I can realize that the standards that I hold myself to are unfair, then I can try to change those standards. Though really some people are not made to wear skinny jeans, no matter what. I can try not to think of myself in negative terms, and think more of my positive aspects, though, trying to change patterns that have been learned over many years is very difficult, and I am sure I will slip up (I know, positive thinking). It is amazing to me that one comment in a sermon can make someone reevaluate their way of thinking, and how you can be your own worst enemy. I will have to be held accountable for my criticisms of myself, knowing I wouldn't think those of my best friends, so I should not think those things of myself.

Just Say No

I was out walking today, and it suddenly occurred to me that I agreed to give a speech in church about my experience in Bible study in the spring in order to get other people to join. Then came the lightheadedness and sweaty palms, and then the whole "What if I trip? What if I say something that is stupid? What if... What if... What if...?" This whole thing could have been avoided if I could say one little word. That one little word almost never passes my lips. I fully intended to say "I am sorry, I can't do it", but it came out "I go to the 7:30 am mass usually, so I would best be able to do it then" What!? I learned that my friend at church got duped as well for the 9am mass, which made me feel better.

The same thing happens with work. Someone calls and asks if I can pick up an extra shift, or switch shifts, and I even practice saying no, but it always turns into a yes. I even let my voice mail answer, listen to the message and call back after planning what to say. I can't help it. I have said yes to dates I didn't want to go on, eaten food I didn't want to, bought things I didn't want to, and the list goes on and on, just because I can't say no. I bought a CD off a guy downtown Chicago because I couldn't say "No thanks!" I went out of my comfort zone when a guy that I have named "Brain tumor guy" asked for my number, and I said no. It took me about 1 1/2 days to answer that one, after much practicing (no we did not stand there that long, my cousin asked if he could have my number, and I didn't call her back for that length of time). I even participated in one of my ex-roommates weddings even though we were no longer friends because she asked.

I actually think I am a hopeless case too because I have read self help books, I am sorry to say, that really did not help. I disappointed myself recently when a patient asked me to buy makeup from her. I, not surprisingly, said yes, but really didn't want to, so being the mature adult, I avoided her calls until she stopped calling. I know, not a great way to handle the situation.

The problem with letting people know this about me is twofold. First, people will always wonder now if I really didn't want to do it, but just said yes because I can't say anything else. (Jena, this does not apply to you, I am truly honored). Secondly, I will always wonder if people asked me because I can't say no. My close friends, I think, are able to tell when I don't want to do something by the faces I make, but then again I don't know...and they will never know what I didn't want to do. That will remain a secret, and if people ask, I will just say no.

Ok, so I have a confession to make. Sorry, not as juicy as you would like, but give me time. Anyhow, here is the thing, I actually am a member of two gyms. I joined a new gym in July and never quit my old one. I was not sure how this new relationship would work out, so I kept the old. I have decided that I actually hate the new gym. I went there this evening, and the room where they have "special exercises" for stretching, using the big balance balls, etc, had oh I believe 3 or 4 men (I didn't want to seem like I was staring) doing flips and such that you would see on WWF wrestling, along with swearing. No one should be subjected to this when they are working out. Plus, it really makes me never want to use the "special exercise" room again. I have also found that people stare at each other at this gym, which when I go to the gym it truly is just to work out. Now, I am sure you are thinking, go back to the other gym, you never quit it. That is true, and I do miss the people there who were normal people that just said hi and left you alone. However, I am in love with the spinning class at the new gym. The instructor on Sunday runs the class in such a manner that she expects you to be nauseated by the end! I LOVE that! I know, that is a little crazy. The question then becomes, do I give up the normal at the old gym for the spinning class and weirdos, or give up my spinning class and go back to same old and boring? Or, is it crazy to continue to belong to both? Use the one for the spinning class, and the other for treadmill/elliptical/weight training?



Now you have to understand, I am what I would call a serial monogamist with my gyms. I go to them for the free weeks, and will not join if there is a contract, but if I join, I don't cheat on it with others like I am currently doing. I also could join a different gym, but I have been to them all in the surrounding area. I am even contemplating taking swimming lessons at a completely different gym, but I would have to join that one as well to take the lessons. Now juggling 3 relationships is just impossible! I have already been at the one with the swimming lessons and left for various reasons, so I can't be there continually. I guess for now I will continue to secretly go to both gyms until I get tired of the spinning class and wanting to throw up or until I decide the weird people are not that weird. The other pro to the new gym that is really causing the debate: A Starbucks across the street, so I can end my workout with a nice latte. Unfortunately for me, coffee trumps all.

Running Addiction

I have been accused of being a running addict. I really did not think that that was true, and there really is nothing wrong with having a passion for something. I however, have learned that I do talk about running all the time because of one particular phone call. I received a call from one of the women at the Lancome counter at Macy's to ask if I needed refills on anything, which they do sometimes for me. I was placing my order, and when she asked how I was, I said "Guess what, I am injured, I hurt my heel", and she replied with something like "What are you going to do? You will go crazy if you can't run!" At that particular moment, I realized that I truly am a running addict. I do not know anyone else who has people working at cosmetic counters that know their running habits (btw, she also knows about the celiac thing).

Of course, I can rationalize this by saying that I am someone who talks a lot and is very open about themselves. However, since I have started at my current job, I have gotten my medical assistant running, and he is registered for his first marathon. I introduced myself to my church group as a nurse practitioner, and a marathoner. My gynecologist in fact would ask me how I did on my various marathons when I would go in for my yearly checkups. My boss tells me about races she has found. At my previous job, I convinced my boss to run a marathon, which he did. So, I guess I have to face the fact "My name is Linda, and I am addicted to running". (Could be worse, and be meth that I am getting everyone hooked on).

Running Journals

I have kept a running journal since I was a freshman in college (you do the math there). I have kept every journal, and periodically like to review them. I do it the "old school" way as I have been told by many people and log it in an actual log book with pen and paper. To me, there is just something you lose when you do it online versus pen and paper. Plus, I am able to pull out journals from a few years ago and review them (yes I do it too).

It is amazing what you can learn in these journals about training and life in general just from a few little blurbs. It reminds me of times that I was injured, and I can review what I did a few months before to figure out what went wrong. It reminds me when I was sick, on vacation, who I ran with, when runs were good, and when they were not so good. I can look back at my race times, and again see what worked for training and what didn't. It reminds me of the joy I have of running in the rain, or running when it is 15 degrees outside. Looking at these log books also lets me reflect on the weird things that happen to me when running, such as getting stuff thrown at me by people driving by, getting whistled at, hiding in the bushes from a coyote, running by what I thought was a big dog, and turned out to be a wolf (yep, I apparently am not all that exciting because he just looked at me), getting chased by dogs AND cats, getting hissed at by geese and deer, being stopped by people at least once a week in the summer for lost dogs or directions, talking with strangers for long periods of time, and being followed by strangers. Log books have started conversations with strangers as I am buying them, and I have convinced people to start running over these conversations.

I was diagnosed with celiac sprue a little over 3 years ago, and it is interesting to see that just before diagnosis, I was tired, and my runs were not good, and 6 months after diagnosis is when I ran my fastest marathon. That was proof to me in writing to continue following my diet even though I truly did not want to follow it.

I have again been reviewing my journals since I have been injured these last several weeks. It is always inspiring to see the progress I have made even in these few weeks, and makes me more motivated to get back in the game so to speak. These logs also help me reflect on my future goals, and what I want out of my running. These running log books have been the key to my running past, present, and future.

Gluten Free

You know you have a Gluten Allergy if....

1. You cried when you found out that Chex is now gluten free--and comes in flavors like chocolate, cinnamon, and honey nut!

2. You have driven an hour to go to a grocery store because you have heard they have good GF brownies.

3. You take 2 hours to go grocery shopping because you have to read the labels on everything.

4. You periodically read labels on things that are not GF in hopes that they have suddenly become GF.

5. BC and AC stand for before celiac and after celiac.

6. You know that buckwheat actually contains NO wheat.

7.You tell people that eating is actually "a waste of precious time".

8. You have to have your friends go to restaurants that offer food that you can eat.

9. You shock your friends with the information that most corn flakes contain wheat.

10. You are the center of attention for the first half of dinner parties, with people asking you what you can and cannot eat, such as "can you eat crackers, what about cookies, how about corn flakes, you mean there can be wheat in drinks?"

11. You make sure to grab things first at parties before people have a chance to "contaminate" them with other wheat containing foods.

12. You refuse to eat anything that is not labeled.

13. You describe foods in terms of "safe" or "unsafe".

14. You drink a lot of wine--because it is "safe"

15. You exist some days on coffee and chocolate.

16. Your friends buy you gluten free food as gifts.

17. You reminisce about wheat containing foods, "Remember Hostess cupcakes, remember pizza, etc"

18. You have gone to MILWAUKEE because you heard they have an all GF grocery store.

19. You make family or friends lick envelopes because there is gluten in the glue.

20. You thanked the people at Chase bank when they started not requiring envelopes for deposits because of #19.

21. You have described your food as tasting like "dust", and felt good about it because you then were sure it was "safe"

22. You make your friends try said "dust", and ask them to agree that it tastes like "dust".

23. You know there is such a thing as amaranth flour.

24. You think that gluten free oats must be a trick and are scared to eat them.

25. You hold your hands over your mouth when your nephew tries to share his food with you.

26. Your friend's children can identify gluten and gluten free foods.

27. You have still read the ingredients on foods labeled gluten free "just in case".

28. You read the ingredient list on cheese.

29. You make sure to only look straight ahead when you accidentally go down the cookie aisle in the grocery store

30. Your friends call you with excitement when they have found something GF that you have not had before.

Nicknames

This one is supposed to be a little lighter than the first 2.

Ever had a nickname? I have had many over the years, and I have quite a few that are floating around currently.

My friend's two children have come up with two of my current nicknames. I am now called Splenda instead of Linda by them. The younger child after calling me this for several months, asked me why they called me a name that meant salt! I had to explain to him then that splenda is a sweetener, and they were really calling me sweet and he didn't even know it.

They have also recently started calling me PLL, which I love and actually stands for pretzel leg Linda. This is due to my always stating that I feel like my legs are like pretzels, or all twisted and brittle when I first get up in the morning.

I also am called Timewarp Tina, which is why I named this blog site after that. If you have spent any length of time with me, you know what this means. I can go to get gas in my car and come back over an hour later. I can make a quick run to the grocery store which takes 2 hours (I am not kidding). Phone calls can last 2 hours. Getting coffee can be a 2 hour affair. There have been countless times I have gone into ONE store at the mall, and then look at my watch, or my friend looks at theirs, and we find we have been in one section for an hour or two.

Finally, I call myself the mad texter. Again, if you are close to me, you will understand that as well. I average 12 texts per day. One month my sister and I shared 360 texts alone. Texting is a way to send random thoughts right away, or arrange meetings, etc, in a matter of minutes, so that I am not on the phone for 2 hours (see above). I also love to receive random or strange texts as well. In fact, I don't know what I am going to do when texting and driving (yes I am one of those) or texting and walking is illegal. My friends will never hear from me again!

This is meant to make you think of all the nicknames people call you in an endearing manner, such as toothpick arms (yep, I am called that as well), even if they do not seem all that flattering.

Good Versus Evil

So I have been thinking about this for a long time. I read the book "Three" by Ted Dekker this summer, and it has given me a lot to think about. The main theme is good versus evil, and the levels of evil in the world. The main question that is raised in this book is the fact that all people have both good and evil in them, and is there really a difference in different types of sin.

For example, is gossip equivalent to murder? By first thought, one would say obviously murder is worse, but gossip is hurtful as well. In some ways the lesser of the two sins is more problematic because it is insiduous and people do not realize the harm they are causing. The other aspect of "lesser sin" is that people can rationalize them by thinking thoughts such as "I am not as bad as so-and-so who has been arrested" and then go home and abuse alcohol, talk about others, and many other things. Thinking that there are different levels of evil or sin is a slippery slope, and one can get to a point where it is easy to rationalize more and more sin.

This then made me think of my own life, and really got me to think of all sin as equivalent to murder, and that thought really takes my breath away. I know that in one respect gossip is no way near the same, but if the repentance is not there, the sin does not matter.

Control

I have had exactly 3 patients in my career that have made me uncomfortable. I have seen thousands of patients, some of which have even brought their 40 ouncers with them in the office. I have had patients ask me out that knew that I also saw their girlfriend and their children (I know, like I would really get messed up in that situation). I have taken care of prisoners, people in gangs, and many other situations that have NEVER made me uncomfortable.

So, it makes me wonder what it is about the 3 patients that have made me uncomfortable. Each situation I guess was for different reasons. The first patient was when I was starting working as a nurse practitioner, and he used to see me for many medical problems including sexual dysfunction. This patient then proceeded to call me in between visits and ask inappropriate questions. I then refused to see him and made my boss who was a man see him from then on.

The second patient that made me uncomfortable was an 18 year old male in for allergies. Once the visit was over, the patient got up and stood next to my chair and leaned over me so I really could not move, and then proceeded to ask me about movies. I really think the problem with this situation was the fact that he had invaded my space, but I had been in many other situations that were more dangerous per se, so I cannot explain other than a feeling that I had with this particular patient.

The third patient was today, and I really felt bad that he made me uncomfortable. He was a 21 year old male for a sports physical. He asked questions that are pretty routine such as how long have I been doing this, where I went to school, etc, that a lot of people ask. He then proceeded to ask about hobbies, and what TV shows I like. I mean really, who asks that of their health care provider who they just met! Now, I have been "hit on" many times by patients, but this made me uncomfortable because I am the one that asks the questions in my position.

The most likely factor in these situations is control. The balance of control had moved from my favor to the other person's. In my many other patient encounters I had not lost that position of power if you will, and in these situations that position seemed compromised. In all situations, I had been able to gain control, whether it was refusing to see that patient, or having my medical assistant in the room, or opening the exam door as soon as possible during the visit, which is a way to regain control without compromising the patient-provider relationship.

With all of my patient contacts over the years, I am just thankful that these situations have been limited to only three, and I am sure unfortunately, it will not be the last.